Article By: Rabeea Khan
Student of University of Karachi
“As the goal of equality
between men and women now grows closer we are also losing our awareness of
important differences. In some circles of society, politically correct thinking
is obliterating important discussion as well as our awareness of the
similarities and differences between men and women.”
For centuries, the differences
between men and women were socially defined and distorted through a lens of
sexism in which men assumed superiority over women and maintained it through
domination. As the goal of equality between men and women now grows closer we
are also losing our awareness of important differences. In some circles of
society, politically correct thinking is obliterating important discussion as
well as our awareness of the similarities and differences between men and
women. The vision of equality between the sexes has narrowed the possibilities
for discovery of what truly exists within a man and within a woman. The world
is less interesting when everything is same.
It is my position that men and
women are equal but different. When I say equal, I mean that men and women have
a right to equal opportunity and protection under the law. The fact that people
in this country are assured these rights does not negate my observation that
men and women are at least as different psychologically as they are physically.
None of us would argue the fact
that men and women are physically different. The physical differences are
rather obvious and most of these can be seen and easily measured. Weight,
shape, size and anatomy are not political opinions but rather tangible and
easily measured. The physical differences between men and women provide
functional advantages and have survival value. Men usually have greater upper
body strength, build muscle easily, have thicker skin, bruise less easily and
have a lower threshold of awareness of injuries to their extremities. Men are
essentially built for physical confrontation and the use of force. Their joints
are well suited for throwing objects. A man’s skull is almost always thicker
and stronger than a women’s. The stereotype that men are more
"thick-headed" than women is not farfetched. A man’s "thick
headedness” and other anatomical differences have been associated with a
uniquely male attraction to high speed activities and reckless behavior that
usually involve collisions with other males or automobiles. Men invented
the game "chicken", not women. Men and a number of other male species
of animal seem to charge and crash into each other a great deal in their spare
time.
Women on the other hand have
four times as many brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left side of
their brain. This latter finding provides physical evidence that supports the
observation that men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve
one problem one step at a time. Women have more efficient access to both sides
of their brain and therefore greater use of their right brain. Women can focus
on more than one problem at one time and frequently prefer to solve problems
through multiple activities at a time. Nearly every parent has observed how
young girls find the conversations of young boys "boring". Young boys
express confusion and would rather play sports than participate actively in a
conversation between 5 girls who are discussing as many as three subjects at
once!
The psychological differences
between man and women are less obvious. They can be difficult to describe. Yet
these differences can profoundly influence how we form and maintain relationships
that can range from work and friendships to marriage and parenting.
Recognizing, understanding,
discussing as well as acting skillfully in light of the differences between men
and women can be difficult. Our failure to recognize and appreciate these
differences can become a lifelong source of disappointment, frustration,
tension and eventually our downfall in a relationship. Not only can these
differences destroy a promising relationship, but most people will grudgingly
accept or learn to live with the consequences. Eventually they find some
compromise or way to cope. Few people ever work past these difficulties. People
tend to accept what they don’t understand when they feel powerless to change
it.
Relationships between men and
women are not impossible or necessarily difficult. Problems simply arise when
we expect or assume the opposite sex should think, feel or act the way we do.
It’s not that men and women live in completely different realities. Rather, our
lack of knowledge and mutual experience gives rise to our difficulties.
Despite great strides in this
country toward equality, modern society hasn’t made relationships between men
and women any easier. Today’s society has taught us and has imposed on us the
expectation that men and women should live together continuously, in communion,
and in harmony. These expectations are not only unrealistic but ultimately they
leave people feeling unloved, inadequate, cynical, apathetic or ashamed.
The challenge facing men and
women is to become aware of their identities, to accept their differences, and
to live their lives fully and as skillfully as possible. To do this we must
first understand in what ways we are different. We must avoid trying to change
others to suit our needs. The following illustrates some important differences
between men and women. These differences are not absolute. They describe how
men and women are in most situations most of the time.
Ø Problems
Men and women approach problems
with similar goals but with different considerations. While men and women can
solve problems equally well, their approach and their process are often quite
different. For most women, sharing and discussing a problem presents an
opportunity to explore, deepen or strengthen the relationship with the person
they are talking with. Woman is usually more concerned about how problems are
solved than merely solving the problem itself. For women, solving a problem can
profoundly impact whether they feel closer and less alone or whether they feel
distant and less connected. The process of solving a problem can strengthen or
weaken a relationship. Most men are less concerned and do not feel the same as
women when solving a problem.
Men approach problems in a very
different manner than women. For most men, solving a problem presents an
opportunity to demonstrate their competence, their strength of resolve, and
their commitment to a relationship. How the problem is solved is not nearly as
important as solving it effectively and in the best possible manner. Men have a
tendency to dominate and to assume authority in a problem solving process. They
set aside their feelings provided the dominance hierarchy was agreed upon in
advance and respected. They are often distracted and do not attend well to the
quality of the relationship while solving problems.
Some of the more important
differences can be illustrated by observing groups of young teenage boys and
groups of young teenage girls when they attempt to find their way out of a
maze. A group of boys generally establish a hierarchy or chain of command with
a leader who emerges on his own or through demonstrations of ability and power.
Boys explore the maze using scouts while remaining in distant proximity to each
other. Groups of girls tend to explore the maze together as a group without
establishing a clear or dominant leader. Relationships tend to be co-equal.
Girls tend to elicit discussion and employ "collective intelligence"
to the task of discovering a way out. Girls tend to work their way through the
maze as a group. Boys tend to search and explore using structured links and a
chain of command.
Ø Thinking
While men and women can reach
similar conclusions and make similar decisions, the process they use can be
quite different and in some cases can lead to entirely different outcomes. In
general, men and women consider and process information differently.
Women tend to be intuitive
global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process
that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements
in the task in terms of their interconnectedness. Women come to understand and
consider problems all at once. They take a broad or "collective"
perspective, and they view elements in a task as interconnected and
interdependent. Women are prone to become overwhelmed with complexities that
"exist", or may exist, and may have difficulty separating their
personal experience from problems.
Men tend to focus on one
problem at a time or a limited number of problems at a time. They have an
enhanced ability to separate themselves from problems and minimize the
complexity that may exist. Men come to understand and consider problems one
piece at a time. They take a linear or sequential perspective, and view
elements in a task as less interconnected and more independent. Men are prone
to minimize and fail to appreciate subtleties that can be crucial to successful
solutions. A male may work through a problem repeatedly, talking about the same
thing over and over, rather than trying to address the problem all at once.
While there are differences in
the ways that men and women think, it must be emphasized that they can and do
solve problems in a similar manner. There are no absolutes, only tendencies.
Ø Memory
Women have an enhanced ability
to recall memories that have strong emotional components. They can also recall
events or experiences that have similar emotions in common. Women are very
adept at recalling information, events or experiences in which there is a
common emotional theme. Men tend to recall events using strategies that rely on
reconstructing the experience in terms of elements, tasks or activities that
took place. Profound experiences that are associated with competition or
physical activities are more easily recalled. There appears to be a structural
and chemical basis for observed memory differences. For instance, the
hippocampus, the area in the brain primarily responsible for memory, reacts
differently to testosterone in men and it reacts differently to changing levels
of estrogen and progesterone in women. Women tend to remember or be reminded of
different "emotional memories" and content to some extent as part of
their menstrual cycle.
Ø Sensitivity
There is evidence to suggest
that a great deal of the sensitivity that exists within men and women has a
physiological basis. It has been observed that is many cases, women have an
enhanced physical alarm response to danger or threat. Their autonomic and
sympathetic systems have a lower threshold of arousal and greater reactivity
than men. In both men and women, higher levels of testosterone directly affect
the aggressive response and behavior centers of the brain. Increasing estrogen
and progesterone in men has a "feminizing" effect. Sexually
aggressive males become less focused on sexual aggressive behavior and content
when they are given female hormones. On the other hand, changing estrogen and
progesterone levels in women during menstrual cycles can produce a
"flood" of memories as well as strong emotions. Increasing or high
levels of testosterone can produce an emotional insensitivity, empathic block
and increased indifference to the distress others.
At the heart of sensitivity is
our capacity to form, appreciate and maintain relationships that are rewarding.
Even here there are important differences. For men, what demonstrates a solid
relationship is quite different from that of most women. Men feel closer and
validated through shared activities. Such activities include sports,
competition, outdoor activities or sexual activities that are decidedly active
and physical. While both men and women can appreciate and engage in these
activities they often have preferential differences. Women, on the other hand,
feel closer and validated through communication, dialogue and intimate sharing
of experience, emotional content and personal perspectives. Many men tend to
find such sharing and involvement uncomfortable, if not, overwhelming.
Ø Processing Information
In most people, especially
those people who are right handed, the processing that takes place in the left
side of the brain can be described as literal, logical, linear and linguistic.
This means that we use our left brain to understand and express experience in
words that are logically organized, in the right order or sequence, and
correctly chosen. Men, and mostly those who experience the masculinizing
effects of testosterone during their first three months a fetus, tend to be
left brain dominant. As a result, the connective tissue between the right and
left side of the brain is less than that it is in woman.
What is very interesting about the differences between men and women is
their access to right brain. Women are more connected to their right brain because
the connective tissue is greater. Men can access their right brain but they
have to "listen" for the messages it provides. It is easy for most
men to ignore what the right brain has to offer.
The right brain is focused, for the most part, on information that is
not left brain. The right brain "makes sense" of the qualities of
voice such as tone, pitch, volume. It also "makes sense" of facial
expressions, gestures, body language and the feelings we get. In a sense, our
right brain is our emotional radar. It picks up on information that is felt,
perceived, heard or seen. This is one reason why women are so much more aware
of how children and adults are feeling. This comes in handy to a mother because
it allows a mother to "read" and understand an infant based on
behaviors and sounds. That's important because children can't speak. It is also
why women are usually much more attuned, sensitive and unable to ignore an
infant who is upset. Mothers seem to know more for reasons that they cannot
explain fully to fathers.
Like most things, there are advantages and disadvantages. Women seem to
know "more" than most men but they can't explain why. They are also
more easily overwhelmed. Men often don't "get it" and because they
are so "dense" emotionally, they can keep their heads on tasks. In a
way, men can miss what's going on but they can get more done because they
experience problems more simplistically and in a way that allows them to take action. This does not mean men see
things more accurately or that they do the right thing.
Ø The Task of Relationship Facing Men
and Women
The task that faces men and
women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences
as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever
possible. The idea that one gender can think and feel like the other if they
truly loved each is rather absurd. Sure, a man or women could act in
consideration of the other’s needs, but this would not necessarily be rewarding
and honest. Holding the benefit of another above our own is rewarding. But from
time to time, and more often for most of us, it is important to be our self and
to be accepted, and not to be the source of distress and disappointment in the
lives of people we love.
Ø The Role of Counseling and Therapy
Counseling and therapy can help
a couple understand and appreciate each other, and even benefit from their
differences. Understanding these differences intellectually is not
enough. A counselor or therapist can help point out these differences, as
they surface, and guide a couple to a greater level of relationship.
Understanding that differences are not intentional and that misunderstandings
are merely the result of expectations that are not realistic can make a huge
difference in a relationship. The differences that can be sensed between a man
and women can deepen their relationship. More importantly, when men seek to
understand and appreciate that which is feminine, they come to a deeper
understanding of their self. And when a women seeks to understand that which is
masculine in men, they come to appreciate and understand more about their own
masculinity.
Ø Education
Access to education by itself
is not enough to eliminate values held by society, for such values are in most
countries transmitted into educational curricula and textbooks. Women are thus
still depicted as passive and domestically oriented, while men are depicted as
dominant and as breadwinners. Education does, however, offer the female child
an improved opportunity to be less dependent on men in later life. It increases
her prospects of obtaining work outside the home. As laid down in articles 28
and 29 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child, all children have the
right to education, and the content of such education should be directed to the
development of the child's personality, talents and mental and physical
abilities to their fullest potential.
According to the United Nations
Children's Fund (UNICEF), the expansion of educational opportunities over the
past several decades has clearly affected girls, although this has not been a
result of deliberate policy to reduce gender disparities in educational access.
Girls' education, measured by gross primary school enrolment ratios, has
improved substantially in the Middle East and North Africa region, for example.
Nevertheless, in 1990, the
region still had 44 million illiterate mothers, a large and increasing backlog
left over from times of lower enrolment levels. Differences in primary school
enrolment levels for boys and girls and competition between them are still very
significant in a number of countries. In countries where overall enrolment is
much lower than desired, girls are particularly disadvantaged. Although in many
countries school drop-out rates are steadily falling, they continue to be
higher among girls than among boys. The reasons for the high drop-out rate
among girls are poverty, early marriage, helping parents with housework and
agricultural work, the distance of schools from homes, the high costs of
schooling, parents' illiteracy and indifference, and the lack of a positive
educational climate. Girls begin school very late and withdraw with the onset
of puberty. Parents do not see the benefits of girls' education because girls
are given away in marriage to serve the husband's family. Sons are given
priority. In certain countries, enrolment rates for girls have actually
declined despite attempts to increase them.
